You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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