The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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