Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
