You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
