I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
