Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
