So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
