They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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