This gyro tastes like lonliness
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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