yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
