Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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