I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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