I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
