I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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