My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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