Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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