Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
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