Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize