every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
