I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
