It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
me + whiskey = a bad person
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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