What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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