Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
