It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
