alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize