i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
