Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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