They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
