If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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