ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
