actually, I'm a sock model
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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