A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize