I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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