I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
