Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
