What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
