Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
