the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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