even my farts smell like vagina
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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