I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize