I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
