we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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