You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize