I am spending my child support on dildos
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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