You really coming over, don't trick.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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