He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
