he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
