hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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