Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
