Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
