i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I need a hoe opinion
go on
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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