Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
