I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize