I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
