genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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