He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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